Gee-zuss Luh-ve-es Me

Just remem-me-ber
That he La-hi-oves you!
Just like he la-ha-oves
His only suh-uh-nion
And the spirit too (too, too)
And re-him-ber
That it’s not just wuh-ha-un
Guy that love love love love loves you
But its three in one one one!

And when the times are har-ar-ar-ard
You just take my handy hand hand
And we’ll walk uh-wa-a-a-a-ay
To a secluded place-ace-ace
And we’ll pray his nu-a-a-a-ame

Like a meowing kitty,

Bitty we are to the end-dend

Washing our feet before we s-i-t

Din-din is served at four

Someone the door-or-or

Holy spirits knockin’ for

You…………………….

the silent stare of mad men
await us towards the end
of a little hallway
stinking of vinegar
ripe with old wine

up on the wall he's stuck,
rusty bits of metal through his wrists
contorted halo of toothpicks

I dip my finger into it
pulling back in shame
walking away I shake my head
doubting it can be him
but believing anyways

The Servant Said, "Master, I struggle to see you."

What I'm going through right now may push some away from me. Others perhaps will simply stop talking to me while a few will, hopefully, help me.

The title of this blog explains the current state I'm in. A little over a year ago my faith began to shake. With tiny rips and tears I finally had run out of answers. The questions originally came from others; now they come from me. Someone I love said this freaked them out, that there was doubt in my life.

It does me as well. My breathing was nearly doubled when this came upon me. And like a breathing problem, it cannot be cured by putting a bag over my head. Up until now I've covered it up and made the leap of faith, leaving any reason for believing behind.

I cannot do that. I don't believe Jesus would want me to either. Or does he? Thus begins the questions haunting me.

?Questions?

Why should I believe?
What are logical reasons to believe anything?
What questions are logical?
Is the faith we're to have a blind one, taken with nothing other than feelings as motivation?

Reasons for doubt

I don't know how to judge whether the bible is true.

Reasons to believe

I've been taught to my whole life
The world holds too many complex things to simply have come into being over time
I've recieved much joy and peace from it, not to mention countless others I've witnessed recieve the same.
The Bible actually seems consistent.

My own counters to my reasons (purely honest ones)

Simply put, being told to believe is no real reason.
Many people recieve joy from numerous things, how do I know Christianity isn't another one?
I've not read the entire Bible, so my belief on that is based from the portions I have plus testimonies of others.


So thats where I stand.

Stuff

Jonathan Edwards is quite an extraordinary person. Though I am often guilty of idealizing people, turning them into a Person that their humanity is lost somewhere. What is amazing to see about him is how human he really was. So much talk of "The Puritans" and studying them has clouded the eyes of many, oft times forgetting they lived on the same earth as we.

Reading of Edwards' own depression, for instance, and his troubles with understanding God have brough much comfort to my life. The same man who delivered such powerful sermons as "Sinners in The Hands of An Angry God" and "The Excellencies of Christ" also endured agony with believing his conversion was real and genuine. The comfort I gain from that is two fold. Many of my friends were uneasy when I was wrestling with God. One in particular said it "freak them out" that I have struggled with "leaving Jesus." Initially I felt ashamed when they told me this. But after reading of Jonathan's own struggle I realized something. Its normal, if not even healthy, to not neglect doubt. I cannot imagine accepting it outright, no questions asked. Though I am aware of the passage "blessed are those who believe without seeing," can that be a rebuttal towards wanting the Bible's teachings to have some sort of reality? Let's assume, however dangerous it can be, that the Bible did say something you know for a fact is not true. How do we deal with it? I'm not saying whether a doctrine doesn't match with our view of truth, but rather says something 100% outright idiotic. Should we ignore it, just go on believing? I don't think so. There should be dilligent study into the matter. "Test all things"?

I do believe, however foolish some say it is, that the Bible does not do this. But there are times when it is murky, perhaps judging who wrote this Gospel or why is that epistle there? No shame is in my heart for bringing it to mind.

Perhaps this is why such study is needed, in my myriad of beliefs. There is a god. I'll say it with assurance not because the Bible says so but because its simply idiotic to believe otherwise. The world is so complex, so well put together to say "Yep, its all chance plus time." To add, it seems absurd that a being to create all of this, which seems to have such craftiness to it, would simply vanish, never speaking to us.

Thats where my reason based faith ends. Because, honestly, I was raised to accept the Bible and it was furthered once I became a Christian. So here I am, standing on it. Kinda shaky? I don't think so.

A poem of sorts

My daddy’s house is far away
Through the bending road,
into the darker tree line.
Deep into the brush
The hollows lay.

I push my hand through the branches,
The crackling scaring the birds,
And lift my foot over the stumps.
The satchels smack against my hip;
The weight of the books is slowing my pace.

The sun is hidden here,
Shrouded by moss covered leaves.
The smacking of branches leaves cuts,
Missing my eyes by inches.
Blood and tears are mixed while I tumble
Running madly through the day-night.
Losing my books in the mud
I crumble amidst ant piles and broken bottles.

Through the forest roof
A slit opens the sky.
A straw of light meets my eyes.
Pulling myself up,
Clutching my wounds tightly,
My feet stumble towards the east.

Another Blog

Just wanted to mention, since I know one or two folks read this thing, my friend Andy and I have our own blog ( http://the-spiritual-clinic.blogspot.com )

We use it to write more constructive things, as oppose to my tendancy to ramble in venues like this.

Enjoy

Just walked in the door...

...happens to be a friend of mine.

Short post.

The Upper Peninisula by Sufjan Stevens

I live in America
With a pair of Payless shoes
The upper penisula
And the television news
And I've seen my wife
At the K-Mart
In strange ideas
We live apart
I live in a trailer home
With a snow mobile, my car
The window is broken out
And the interstate is far
I drove all night
To find my child
In strange ideas
He's been reviled
In strange ideas
In stranger times
I've no idea
What's right sometimes
I lost my mind
I lost my life
I lost my job
I lost my wife